It's Grief Season...

When I felt the first cool breeze signifying the arrival of the Fall season I also felt the familiar sense of loss settle into my bones. The coziness of sweaters and hot chocolate in the midst of cold weather reminds me of sadness. It's as if all of these warm items that give me comfort also remind me of the pains and loss that caused me to seek out comfort in the first place. Since the day I began to grieve all the happiest memories have been tinged with some sadness. With the holidays approaching I can't look into the smiling face of a loved one without acknowledging the empty chairs at the dinner table where another loved one used to sit. Sadness, bitterness, exhaustion, and even jealousy seep in.

These holidays can be so difficult for those of us who feel the heaviness of loss, whether it has been 19 years or a month. If you have suffered the loss of a loved one you know that love carries on. The people that we hold dearly aren't easily let go and sometimes we find our hearts holding on long after the time the rest of the world has expected us to let go. The holidays are built around tradition and tradition is built around the people that we care about. When they are absent these traditions can become a trigger for pain. Some people lean into them as a way to remember and honor their past loved ones and some people do their best to avoid them all together. There is really no wrong way to grieve over the holidays. I believe that both options demonstrate a tremendous amount of love for our passed loved ones. Over the years I have done a mix of both and both ways have given me a sense of healing. I might hang my dad's Christmas ornament up on the tree, but I don't want to have a conversation about it. I do want to acknowledge my loss, but don't want to become lost in the pain or make my grieving a public experience. And that's okay. 

One of my favorite authors on grief Melissa M. Kelley compares everyone's grief experience to a mosaic. Every piece of the mosaic is a memory with our loved one, our beliefs, our morals, our personality, etc. Because we all have such vastly different mosaics no two people have the same grief experience. That's normal. Bereaved friends, there's no reason to think your grief experience is lesser than others if it looks different. There is nothing wrong with you except that you are experiencing the result of loving someone deeply. Friends and family of the bereaved, please don't try to silence your emotional "messy" griever. Also, don't assume your griever that appears well put together and "strong" is not experiencing sadness. It's okay to offer support and conversations. It can be truly healing to share memories of our lost loved ones with people that we trust to care about us. Conversely, there are times we just don't have the energy to talk about our loss.

 In all my years of grieving I've noticed a few things about how people who are grieving are treated around the holidays. Some people have tip toed around me, walking on egg shells not to even mention any of the people that I've lost. Others have made clumsy attempts to "be there for me if I need to talk." Many have overbearingly pushed me to emote when I wasn't ready. Few have empathized with my conflicting and exhausting emotions. Let me tell you, 19 years after my first significant loss I appreciate each of these types of people. Although some were irritating in the moment I realized later how grateful I am towards these people who saw me and my struggle in the midst of their own happy times of celebration and cared enough to reach out to me when I felt alone. Sometimes people say insensitive things, but my general rule is that if people are making an attempt to interact with you in your darkest moments they really do mean well. Don't be too hard on your friends and family that want to be there for you. The presence of loved ones is the thing that will make losing others feel less hopeless. Even an introvert like me can recognize that the grief I feel is because I've had people in my life that I've loved. It's ironic how the things that build you are the ones that can break you. The depth of grief teaches us that our relationships with people are the second most important thing that we can have in our lives.

The first most important thing is our relationship with our heavenly father. The only constant comfort that I have clung to in the midst of my grief is the hope that God's presence is with me every second of every day. I could lose everyone that I love, but God would never leave me or forsake me. He holds me and I am never alone. There's no peace for someone who feels like they have lost too much than holding onto God and knowing that He will be beside us eternally. For me, it's too lonely to think that all there is to life is watching the people you care about slowly be taken away from you. Many times I have felt the despair of this reality. As a three year old I was learning early that parents could disappear at any moment and never come back. As a 22 year old with no living grandparents and only one living parent I still feel a sense of loneliness and it feels sometimes like I've lost too much to go on. God, in His compassion and mercy, has granted us each the opportunity to be adopted as His children. This is the only reality that gives hope and stability to my grief filled life. I am grateful that knowing God allows me to stand on solid ground when my world around me is crumbling.

This isn't to say that I don't still feel the hurt of loss or that having a father in Heaven means I never miss the dad I lost on Earth. Over the years God has taught me that pain and hope can co-exist. I do believe that I will reunite with many of my loved ones after this life, but I don't feel any shame in mourning the loss of them in my earthly life now. Jesus cried for Lazarus after his death even though he would resurrect him that same day. If Jesus wasn't being dramatic then, I think it's safe to say that I can feel sad for these 80 years or so I will have to go without hearing my dad's voice. I like to think that Jesus was grieving for his friend and empathizing with Lazarus' sisters. I am profoundly grateful for the example of Jesus in this story, because it gives all believers permission to grieve. I would make the case that Jesus grieved deeply because he loved so deeply. In the same way, it's okay for each of us to be deeply saddened over the loss of people we love.

 As we approach this holiday season I urge all of us who feel the pain of grief in our chests to hold tight to the God who will never leave us and know that we are loved when we feel alone. As for me I will be spending the holidays full of tears, hope, gratitude, love, pain, joy, and peace that transcends my circumstance. I'll  think of my dad who I lost 19 years ago and my grandma who I lost a few months ago and shed some tears. I'll look at my husband and my mom and hope that I have many more years to love them because I know how precious our time is. I'll be praying for all of you that share this messy complicated grief journey with me. We have each paid the price of loving deeply and the holidays are a staggering reminder of that. Please know that you are not alone whether you seek heavenly comfort or rest in the community that God has surrounded you with. From someone who has lost much and felt alone, you are loved.

Psalm 147:3 "God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"