The Anxiety of Loss

According to psychologists, humanity's only two innate fears are the fear of falling and loud noises. All of our other fears are learned in the context of our lives from social relationships and experiences. These fears can help us safely navigate life and understand the world around us. They are meant to help our species survive and thrive. But what happens when we lose a loved one for the first time? As adults most of us have experienced the first significant loss of our lives if not a few significant ones. At three years old I had to face the reality that even a parent can disappear and never come back. How does a toddler cope with the pain of losing their dad? I can tell you at 22 years old it has been a long and painful healing process. I know people older than me that have yet to experience the death of a loved one, yet my father, my uncles, friends, and my grandparents have all left this Earth. I would love to tell you that these experiences have only made me stronger. In many ways they really have produced strength in me, but one of the symptoms of so much loss is that I have become so fearful over the years. I think that this is true of many of us who have grieved a loved one. Many of us are left looking at our surviving loved ones with fear because we have learned that people are temporary and can be lost at any time.

Since three years old when I lost my dad I've had to learn to cope with anxiety that none of my friends would know for years to come. I remember many nights as a child when I woke up crying from a nightmare about losing my mom. Then just when I thought I was outgrowing these fears they came back full force when my mom ended up in the hospital being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease last year. As I looked at my mom in her hospital bed losing weight I felt more fearful and broken than ever. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do was drive across the state back to college to finish my last semester. When I got back to campus my childhood nightmares were back worse than ever. I wasn't eating or sleeping and I ran back to my room a few times a day with panic attacks to cry by myself. I felt paralyzed by fear worse than I ever had and was tortured by a voice in my head repeating "There was a day when one of your parents went to the hospital and never came back" over and over again. I felt like all the healing that I had worked hard to achieve over the years had been undone and I wasn't sure how to get it back. I've learned coping mechanisms for pain and grief as an adult that I didn't have as a child, but the fear still overwhelms me sometimes.

 It's common for those of us who have lost someone that we loved to be fearful of going through the same devastation again. Unfortunately intense fears related to trauma rarely manifest in healthy ways. I've noticed two common responses to this fear; holding onto our loved ones too tightly or pushing the people we love away. I've experienced both of these responses to grief and the end results have always left me with more pain. Although grief does give us a certain appreciation for the value of relationships and the people around us, it can lead us to grip them a little too tightly. For example, if you are a parent who has lost a child you may find yourself being so protective over your surviving children that they don't have the room they need to grow. For me, after losing my dad, I relied so heavily on my mom that I was hysterical every time she had a minor procedure or hospital stay. Gripping my mom so tightly didn't give me the comfort I craved, it only produced more anxiety in me. Fear always tries to make us hold onto things that are fleeting and unsatisfying. I believe that the only tool that Satan has against us how he tries to tell us lies and influence our thoughts. If we don't guard our minds they can become a powerful tool of the enemy. Satan loves to attack when we are at our weakest and I have given into his words of fear many times. I've fallen for his lies that sounded appealing and clung to humans out of fear when I should have always ran into the arms of the Father. I want to tell you that my only true refuge in grief has been my relationship with God. He is constant, He is loving, and He is the only safe place to cling in a world of loss. The greatest peace to me over the years is knowing that the Father will never leave or forsake me.

More often than clinging to others, my fear response has been to push away people that care about me. The lie that I've fallen for too many times is that the way to avoid the pain I've felt before is to make sure I don't get close enough to others to be affected by loss. Unsurprisingly following this philosophy makes for many lonely days. Ironically we fear losing others so much because our relationships are what makes life so meaningful and fulfilling. I believe that God made us for community and relationship. When we reject this part of our identity we will never be satisfied. We were made to love others and grief is a natural consequence of this great love. There are still days when the loss feels fresh and I swear angrily that I will never love anyone enough to be hurt so deeply ever again. Thankfully I have everyday reminders in my life that love is worth it. I see it in the way my husband thinks about me on his busiest days, I see it in my phone calls with my mom where I am always astounded at how much she knows me and sees right through me, and I am most reminded by it when God reminds me that He loves me in His word.

It's true that God's perfect love casts out fear. He is my only true shelter in grief and times of mourning. I know this to be true deeply in my soul. However, this reality looks different than we often think it does. No matter how long I have rested in God and traveled on this journey of healing I still have periods of time where I am consumed by fear. This is a constant part of my grief journey over the years as well as a never ending battle for me. It is difficult and immensely painful at times, but I wouldn't ever change the dependence on God that has emerged from my struggles with fear and pain. On this Earth sin runs rampant and our healing is imperfect. We can put all of our trust in God and still feel the fear of losing those we love. Over the years God's perfect love has casted out my fear over and over again. I think that we all have to make the choice to give our pain to God every day just as much as we have to choose to follow him every day. I know that we can feel our grief as fresh as the first day of our loss at any time, but we can also have peace in knowing that God is always with us in this life and cannot be taken away. The truth is that those who trust in God are part of eternity. All of the pain of this earthly life is just temporary. It comforts me to know I will experience perfect healing in Heaven when it is my time, because grief can make me so exhausted with living this life. For now, I believe that being loved by God makes living this earthly life and imperfect healing process worth it. I hope that we will all experience complete dependence on the Father and rest in His truth as we battle with our fears.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." 1 John 4:18