My Father's Voice
Life isn't easy and it's rarely fair. Nevertheless, I've always been amazed how beautiful moments can rise up from the ashes of the most broken times. In the midst of a pandemic I heard my father's voice for the first time on a home video that had been lost for over 20 years. I saw him move. He looked like flesh and blood to me. I didn't expect to hear his voice in this lifetime. It felt as though I had been granted a small miracle with enormous meaning in my time of anxiety. The moment I saw my Dad speaking will never be forgotten. Just when I thought that God couldn't possibly show me that He cared more, He reached me with amazing compassion. While I wasn't seeking out his mercy, he gave it to me.
Along with joy came pain crashing over me and sweeping me off my feet like waves. I've spent 22 years wondering what my Dad's voice would sound like, grieving that I would never truly know. Suddenly, so much changed for me. My direction in life hadn't been altered, but I felt different somehow. It was overwhelming and I wasn't sure what to do with the mix of joy and sorrow that had overtaken me. I wasn't sure if my tears were happy or sad, but I couldn't contain them. I felt lost for days after that moment and watched the home video over and over.
The first night after I heard my dad's voice I laid in our guest bedroom past 3am with a painfully beating heart and tears rolling down my face desperately trying to sleep but I couldn't seem to process the emotions. It had been a while since I was too sad to lay quietly next to my husband, but there I was subjecting the guest bed to my tossing and turning. I was reminded how difficult it is to process grief when you have a hole in your heart where memories of your dad should be. Through my years of grief I've found that there are highs and lows but the low moments can really make you feel like your loss is fresh again.
I’ve been forced to be true to the darkest parts of my grief while trying to hold onto the hope that God has given me. It's been 20 years since my dad died and I'm still grieving. I'm tempted to feel like a failure because I should be past this stage of hurting by now, but grief doesn't work that way. For many of us our grief will always be underneath the surface like a poorly healed wound that becomes raw unexpectedly. After a significant loss we are capable of leading joyful and healthy lives but we are never quite the same.
As we approach Father's Day I'm thinking of my dad a little more than usual. In our grief journey there are really great days and really awful days. Some holidays tear us apart because they refocus us on the loss of our loved ones. Father's Day has always been the worst one for me. For the first time I know what my dad's voice sounds like which makes the day more meaningful but also compounds the pain I already feel every Father's Day. I think of all the times in my life I wished my dad was there for and grieve 20 years worth of moments lost.
Every year I hold tightly to my father in Heaven who I know is ever present. It doesn't ease the pain of this holiday that highlights my dad's absence, but it does give me the hope I need to get through these extremely raw moments. I hope that all of us who have been truly hurt by the absence of a father can feel peace in knowing that we have a father in Heaven who loves us and is near to the brokenhearted and the crushed in spirit (Ps. 34:18) on the days when we feel a little extra crushed in spirit.
I’ve been forced to be true to the darkest parts of my grief while trying to hold onto the hope that God has given me. It's been 20 years since my dad died and I'm still grieving. I'm tempted to feel like a failure because I should be past this stage of hurting by now, but grief doesn't work that way. For many of us our grief will always be underneath the surface like a poorly healed wound that becomes raw unexpectedly. After a significant loss we are capable of leading joyful and healthy lives but we are never quite the same.
As we approach Father's Day I'm thinking of my dad a little more than usual. In our grief journey there are really great days and really awful days. Some holidays tear us apart because they refocus us on the loss of our loved ones. Father's Day has always been the worst one for me. For the first time I know what my dad's voice sounds like which makes the day more meaningful but also compounds the pain I already feel every Father's Day. I think of all the times in my life I wished my dad was there for and grieve 20 years worth of moments lost.
Every year I hold tightly to my father in Heaven who I know is ever present. It doesn't ease the pain of this holiday that highlights my dad's absence, but it does give me the hope I need to get through these extremely raw moments. I hope that all of us who have been truly hurt by the absence of a father can feel peace in knowing that we have a father in Heaven who loves us and is near to the brokenhearted and the crushed in spirit (Ps. 34:18) on the days when we feel a little extra crushed in spirit.
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