Dreading the "Days"

 

I don't know one person in my life that wakes up hoping someone will throw their grief right in their face. I certainly don't go looking for opportunities to welcome sadness back in to my life. So often grief springs up seemingly from nowhere which is hard enough without devoting a day to one's loss. The "days" of the year can just seem spiteful for some of us. For me it's Father's Day.  I realize that the spirit of Father's Day is celebration because fatherhood is a gift. I know that maybe better than anyone because I know what life can be like without it. Even so, for some of us it's just so hard to face every year. When I was younger I spent a number of years trying to put on a Meryl Streep worthy performance of my one woman play "I'm fine. Everything's fine. I don't care". Shockingly, I never won an Oscar for those. Eventually, I got older and felt pain so much more deeply. It became harder and harder to pretend as I had more and more questions about my dad in Heaven. Then, I didn't find any comfort or answer to my pain so I became bitter. I put on a new performance just in my own head of "She doesn't deserve a dad. She doesn't deserve a dad. Why does everyone else have a dad? Is this Oprah??" Again, shockingly, no Oscar.

 The big Father's Day turning point happened one day my freshman year of high school on my way to Algebra. In the midst of high school chaos I heard God's voice for the first time. He told me that He wanted to be my Father. I was shocked and unprepared for this moment of transformation, but after the years of hurting and longing I was so ready. I pulled out my phone and searched for every Bible verse I could about God being a father. As I read the same verses I had read my entire life, they seemed like I was reading them for the first time and they meant something to me. I read about God as a Father to the Fatherless and knew that I needed Him. I surrendered my life to Him, got baptized, and finally started healing. That next Father's Day was an incredible celebration for me. It was the first time I was grateful to be at church worshipping on Father's Day. Three years later God had exponentially grown my faith by loving me and fathering me. I stood up on stage at my church and told my story of fatherlessness to knowing the perfect Father. No Meryl Streep skills needed, just some bravery and vulnerability. God used my pain to speak to others who were hurting in the same way and I had my best Father's Day yet. 

I've learned that a date on the calendar can't attack you. It really feels like it on those days that highlight the painfulness of our grief, but dates aren't that powerful. If you are trying to avoid a day like Father's Day because it hurts too badly, guess what? The pain and the loss exist the other 364 days of the year too! I don't say that to mean that the "days" (Mother's Day/Father's Day) doesn't make the pain extra present. They really do. But, often they tell us something about how we are healing the rest of the year.

 The first Father's Day or Mother's Day after you lose a parent is inevitably overwhelming. People usually show a lot of care for this one and that can add to the anxiety of processing a recent loss as much or even more than it can help. The second Mother's/Father's Day you start to really dread. You know it is another year without your person and you are just starting to really understand in your heart what that means. Unfortunately, most people around you outside your immediate family have already moved on. It is no longer acceptable for you to "be that hurt". The years that follow you will feel a similar ache in your chest every time and feel more and more alone. 

I want you to hear me say that hurting is normal. I will never advocate for a bright sunshiney life here on Earth because of the things I've been through. It's not realistic nor is it promised in the Bible. Every Father's Day or Mother's Day hurts when the parent you love isn't there to talk to you and make memories anymore. That's a normal part of love and there's no need to shy away from that. However, pain is incredibly different when it co-exists with hope and purpose in Christ. 

Firstly, comfort from God makes memories feel nostalgic. The hurt of grief is still there as a gentle reminder of temporary separation, but in the light of Heaven the memories feel a little more sweet than bitter. 

Secondly, as God heals you He starts to use your pain for His glory. The part of the Gospel where Jesus dies for us and defeats death so that we can live eternally with our Heavenly Father becomes more personal and more real. Therefore, our testimonies and the way we share the Gospel becomes increasingly beautiful. The reality that God loves us enough to take something broken and make it beautiful heals our hearts and compels a hurting world to know their Father.

Thirdly, God never leaves you or forsakes you. As you look back on your darkest moments you realize that God has never abandoned you. He has walked with you every step of the way. He has known you. He has fathered you. The realization of God's presence in your life is something that never stops amazing you or changing your heart. 

Lastly, you realize that hope is different than you thought it was. When we are small children hope is taught to us like a bright beacon of light and happiness. The reality is that hope is a light and it is most present when we face the darkness. Hope does not banish the hard things in life. Rather, it puts them in perspective and brings us to a place where we can recognize our need for God more clearly. Thankfully hope will never fail us if we place it in God who is eternal and loves us more than we can comprehend. 

If you are someone who dreads the "days", whether it's your first or 60th "day", I believe that God is your father who loves you and gives you joy, peace, and hope that transcend the hurting. We may face loss, but we will never be lacking because our need is a relationship with our Heavenly Father. I know it hurts. I think it's important to be real and not just try to put on a happy face. Even so, I hope you will take a moment to worship on your "day" because of the compassion and grace we have through Jesus so that we can know our Heavenly Father and never spend another day alone. 

I'm praying for my friends who are experiencing this Father's Day without their dads for the first time. I hurt for you and pray that God will give you the comfort He has given me through His presence.